I recently asked my team what it is that they’d like me to write about, what is it that they’re curious to learn that my experience and insight can help guide them…with the idea that then they’d represent at least some sample size to guide my writing for the general public. At the very least, I know someone will read what I write.
One of my favorite lines that I’ve taken to heart is from Bambi with Thumper recounting the wisdom of his mother:
If you can’t say somethin’ nice don’t say nothin’ at all.
A corollary to this is, if you don’t have anything intelligent to say, don’t say it…quite similar to the aphorism from Mark Twain and Lincoln
It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and to remove all doubt.
And finally, the saying:
God made you with two ears and one mouth so you should listen twice as much as you talk.
Couple that with the 25-cent fine for any grammatical inaccuracies in my speech (which was 20% of my weekly allowance), and that was the context of my childhood.
You’ve got one of the greatest American literary icons, Presidents, Disney movies, and Divine Design all setting the bar high, so high. Couple that with a tax if my thoughts were delivered improperly…that’s a tough problem to solve. So what was the winning solution?
Silence.
And that’s basically what I did. I operated in silence, patiently listening to understand. Maybe too much as my sister would answer so many questions directed at me that my parents were concerned I might have a speech issue.
At least my piggy bank was safe!
But, as time passed through me, the repercussions of self-imposed silence took a toll in places like…well dating.
I had to write down the script I would say when calling my first crush out on a date #preTexting …and later for that eventual first date, I wrote down 40 questions I could refer to in case the evening meal went silent. In one blind date in high school, I had crushed the entire list before we had arrived at dinner…that was a funny experience #blindDateFail.
But this upbringing in silence taught me an operating protocol that is lost in today’s society. Silence is a lost art form.
From social media screaming at you, to emails and app notifications, there’s so much noise. Like this, buy that, listen to this, take a picture of that, turn on the TV, download this update…the list goes on and on.
I love the power of technology and each and every one of these social media platforms. The way music can create portals of energy in a room, how TV and movies can move people emotionally and expand their imagination, art in these forms are amazing for human consciousness…in moderation.
What is missing to balance this equation is silence….the absence of noise.
Silence is a lost art so needed in today’s society.
Lost because there is none readily available, you have to consciously seek it. Lost art because silence often means a person has checked out, thinking about something else, off in space imagining. Their silence is a mechanism of momentary escape from the present, a developed adaptation to society’s overwhelm, stress and trauma of over-stimulation.
But when the person is fully present, silence is so powerful.
Silence can convey the message of confidence and support to a frantic worker or of demonstrating the absurdity with which a person is behaving.
If you don’t have something nice to say, silence can convey that message more powerfully than words can, especially when wrapped in the energetic presence of the person.
Silence doesn’t mean consent. In fact, it can so powerfully convey the opposite to another heated person. Standing there taking the anger, emotions, outcries. Letting it flow through you. Like a fire, when you combat fire with fire, it only grows bigger, either in that moment flaring up or overtaking it, forcing it to lie dormant waiting for another moment for it to flare up again.
Silence on the other hand is like letting the other person’s fire have all the oxygen in the room. Once it’s used up, there’s nothing left for the fire to do. It has used up all the energy in the room. The only thing it can do is end. If you try to argue with it, try to prescribe a solution to it, that energy, that breath used in talking is like blowing more oxygen on a fire, keeping it going.
To extinguish the fire, just keep encouraging the fire to go and go and go to make sure it’s really all out #EagleScoutRules.
Use phrases like: Please tell me more. And then what. Keep going. Is there anything else you’d like to share. What else do you want to say.
There are other ways to approach it, especially while people are in trauma loops, but that’s not my style. In fact, in his book Just Listen, Mark Goulston talks about the number one advice to get people out of the elevated state into a normal, calm, serene state. He calls it the Persuasion Cycle
- Persuasion cycle: move from resisting –> to listening –> to considering –> to willing to do –> to doing –> to glad they did and continuing to do
Think of it this way. When someone is passionately heated, it’s their body’s biochemistry that has them heated. Be it a temporary thing or a longer lasting issue. Our voice, our language and our words we use is a byproduct of the human being. It is one way of expressing what’s going on internally. Recognize that. Their emotions can be fueled by your reactions or they can be extinguished by them.
Let them vent. When they stop, say “tell me more”, empathize with them, and then repeat, “tell me more”
When they’re calmed down just a bit, tell them to close their eyes and breath together with you. This disarms them, demonstrates there’s not going to be a debate against them. This shows you care and are listening. Begin to exhale together. Let it take the time it needs to extinguish. Don’t become defensive, don’t try to offer solutions, don’t try to make things better. Don’t try to distract the situation by saying “let’s forget it and grab a drink.” That just adds fuel to the fire and distracts them even more.
If you need an out in the convo, the magic tag-out phrase is:
“Just do what you need to do”
Do what you need to do empowers them, it takes away judgement, and removes the burden on you to try and figure out a solution for them…and often times, they aren’t looking for you to prescribe them a solution.
If there’s a continual insistence in them trying to relay their reality, just say:
“I believe you”
In life, we constantly check in with others to make sure our grasp of reality is what others see as well. We are simple creatures that constantly seek reassurance to operate in this world. This reassurance is rooted in what scientists call mirror neurons.
- Mirror neurons (or cubelli neuron), is a neuron that fires both when a person acts and when the person observes the same action performed by another. Aka when you see someone else do something, that action is mirrored in your brain.
This is the same principle demonstrated in those studies having people visualize practicing the piano and basketball versus actually practicing it and comparing the two groups. Those who only visualized had almost equal level of improvement as those who actually practiced. Aka the supporting evidence for the power of visualization.
Well, there’s another aspect of mirror neurons…it’s that we are constantly seeking others to mirror our version of reality. It’s one of the core principles of influence and persuasion because the more your version of reality matches someone elses, the more you like that person because it’s validating your version of reality.
So, when you are in the presence of a heated person, what they’re really doing is crying out:
“Please, just say you see things my way so I don’t feel crazy. Agree with me in how I see the world!”
Oftentimes in our society with the dominating forces of technology forcing evolution, we suffer from the convergence of too many differing realities. This has led to what’s called a mirror neuron receptor deficit. Here’s how it works:
We constantly mirror and conform to the world trying to win its love and approval. When we mirror the world/others, we feel we need some type of reciprocation in others to see the world how we see it. Without this reciprocation, we start to feel we have a deficit. A high deficit starts to build inside us as we hunger and ache for someone to acknowledge this deficit. We crave others to see our pain, our triumphs, to see us and our reality as we see ourselves and reality. If not, we begin to feel depressed and act out.
So acknowledge their reality. Embrace it. Stand in silence and let their anger, emotions pass through you. Keep asking for more and more, until there’s nothing more to add. Stand firm in your silence and empathize. Embrace the silence.
Now for the fun. Your mind usually focuses on society, politics, friends, and the public. For this reason, you may neglect to think about your heart and what’s important to you. Try re-reading this article, and instead of thinking about moments where others are emotional, depressed, having mirror neuron deficiencies, think about yourself. When your mind gets heated, when your internal narrative acts up, when the voice inside your head takes over and puts pressure on your reality, think about these tactics.
You have multiple friends and others in your life, there’s only one you. Spend as much time as you do on yourself as you collectively do on others. This is the best way to optimize your interactions with them. To best help them, first master yourself and your internal trauma.
If you want to dive deeper, check out what we are doing at Human Garage.