Why are there contracts, terms and conditions to things? Why not bring things back to the good ole days of handshake deals?
Why should I create an operating agreement with my co-founder?
Why should I mention that this feature may be scope creep?
Why should I bring up an uncomfortable conversation when things are going so well?
Everything is fine…until it’s not.
Stress, competing interests, the allure of money, of power, emotions, ego….and the list goes on.
Startups fail. Projects fail. Partnerships fail. Wind down, sue, dissolve. It’s the dark side of life, a necessary part, but none too comforting to face: what happens when things go wrong.
Failure and mistakes need to be separated. Failure is the unsuccessful attempt at something; whereas, a mistake is making the wrong decision in a situation (don’t forget, to not make a decision is still a decision).
As Charlie Munger–and many others like Randy Pausch in the “Last Lecture”–mentions, it’s not about the cards you were dealt, but about how well you played the cards.
But how do you even know what those cards are? You might think you are a great “attention to detail” or “works well with others” type person, but how do you know? A 4 of hearts is easily recognizable by you and everyone else around the table as a 4 of hearts. But how do you know how you are perceived by others?
Feedback.
Honest, accurate, all-encompassing feedback from those above, below, and laterally. In jargon terms, it’s “360 feedback.”
Oftentimes, the feedback is positive, things are closely aligned with what you had expected. Done.
Two cautions:
1. Is this really an honest critique? It is actually far easier to go with the flow and say everything is hunky dory than to take the time to go against the “face saving” strategy and provide honest criticism (ideally constructively)
2. Are you really pushing yourself in your endeavors? If everything is so smooth, could there be some things you haven’t pushed yourself to do better on, to strive for more? Are you being complacent?
One of the most valuable resources someone can provide you is an honest review when things go bad. It’s also the most fearful time to request this feedback. With failure, there’s a clear implication for improvement. The question is, can you face the music?
In The Defining Decade, Meg Jay discusses how the untold stories about a person remain untold because of shame, which affects self-image, relationships, and identity. Caroline Myss discusses the role of shame from a biological perspective as necessary for a tribe to ensure individuals act in the tribe’s best interest.
For millennials, this “Urban Tribe” as Jay puts it, are typically “amoral” with unrealistic optimism about the future and use social distraction as an opiate for uncertainty and anxiety. The Tribe, she concludes, is overrated as age brings more pressure to succumb to the immediacies and morality inherent with creating a family, eventually narrowing and often eliminating this tribe.
As we in the millennial generation are more obsessed than ever on the way our lives seem to others than how they are in reality, there’s a strong urge to avoid these untold stories, to avoid shame. But shame comes from the error in concluding an act creates identity.
“I’m so stupid for not studying” vs. “I acted stupidly for not studying.” Childhood development experts have used this concept repeatedly to separate performing well on a test and being smart. A child who is told he/she is smart, will assume it’s an inherent quality of him/herself and will think he/she will always do well on tests regardless of how much he/she studied. A child who is told he/she worked hard and scored well will attribute the success not to an innate quality, but to the action of studying hard. This difference enables these students to identify the appropriate cause for success–working hard, rather than an inherent quality–which provides much better long term success.
To truly understand what cards you have, you need to elicit feedback from others. Those untold stories are just as much a part of you as those that are told boastfully over dinner with friends and family, and failure is at the forefront of untold stories.
So face the frightened front, and elicit feedback, especially from failures. Just make sure you protect yourself from the trap of associating failure with shame.
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.” -John Wooden