While the overarching arc is one of disembodiment and a need for establishing groundedness and coherence in my body and life, I would be remiss to not go into the depths of the initiations and experiences that were driving me forward, that were being unlocked within me and challenging me to the utmost.
But in recounting them, I want to make sure that you – the reader – are fully aware of the context and cost before diving in. The best advice I could give anyone is the opposite of the one I was receiving, which was encouragement to go all in.
I’d tell you to avoid it at all costs. To understand what it is asking of you. To try an persuade you not to. And then and only then, if your soul is still calling you to it, then proceed…but don’t tell me I didn’t warn you, and don’t complain if/when your whole life flips upside down.
My path was not one for the faint of heart, go find a pied piper, visionary, guru, New Age, law of attraction wealth priestess, living room shaman or influencer claiming to have a more fun, joyful, easeful process. That’s not what this is.
I tried making it joyful, fun, light. And got taught over and over again to not do that. In fact, my path and teachings are the opposite of that. I’m more a strength and conditioning coach than a participation trophy coach.
The training I received from my father, from my Jesuit High School, University, Bosses, Mentors, Tutors, Life experiences, Coaches and spiritual guides, gurus, and ancestors are all paths of strength, courage, discipline and resilience, masculine qualities of the highest degree – including awareness, sensitivity, open heart leadership – but with an even stronger dose of no bullsh*t, move beyond your comfort zone, check your ego at the door (or the void), and let’s get to work.
It’s more a Ford Truck Commercial at the Super Bowl than a Lululemon ad outside a yoga studio. And I look around and everywhere screams at me the necessity to have this path, this approach, this way for men…to become strong, sensitive, spiritual, builders of where we are going next. An integrative approach that doesn’t pander to the p*ssies, doesn’t bypass emotions of the stoics, and doesn’t yield to close minded materialists.
And to be clear, I was ALL of these. And thank God, like literally thank God, for bringing into my life a woman who loves me so thoroughly that she was with me through all of the down times. This would not have been possible without the woman that Victoria was, is and will always be.
Each step of masculinity was developed in a crucible of integrity and alignment with Victoria right there next to me. Testing me, challenging me, loving me.
This isn’t the path of the consummate bachelor, the celibate monk, beta male or the toxic masculine. It’s for those wanting to be the man that builds the foundation for himself, his wife, his family and community.
If Victoria wasn’t there, my path would have been much different. My trajectory and outcome so different. My ego untamed…again in a different way.
For I was heading straight to be a mendicant, celibate monk, and I was happy with that…happiness is best created by submitting to the will of what is. But fulfilled, I would not be, and so I wrote a letter to God, Jesus, my guru, anyone and everyone who could help, and I post it here, unedited:
10/10/18
Clifton’s Dream
Dear Cosmos, God, Jesus, Swamiji, and all others that have become my spiritual teachers and form my most inner counsel, the dream of my life, the vision is this:
I am an Enlightened Being who understands the rules of the cosmos and hubly breaks them to manifest and cause the realities for myself and others. I create harmony, integrity and authenticity to my past and present reality. I embark in bliss on this journey to create, play, bring world peace through unity of the divine masculine and feminine. I do this through various roles, costume changes, and expressions of selflessness.
I nurture those around me as I learn how to nurture myself. I rise above any obstacle to elevate the mood, discussion and consciousness of those around me. I do not force my will onto others, merely seek to be authentic in my own right and say what needs to be said, guided by your Divinity.
I create and mold thoughts, ideas, people, groups and the world into what it is You all are explaining as the higher path. I do this through business, arts, policy, and improving my ability to express Divinity through each stroke of the pen, each word I utter, each forceful action taken.
I include my family and the creation and development of a new family with an equally divine and powerful woman gracious and skilled in the arts of business, spirituality, family life, and her own creative expression. Together we perpetually refill our cups of love. Together we hold ourselves accountable and to constantly higher standards as we lift eachother up. Our love transcends time, words, acts, gifts, and physical contact—all be it those components are vitally expressed in our relationship.
Our children are extensions of our own desire to grow and understand our Enlightenment. While we touch the lives of billions, we celebrate in the fact that raising our own humbles, grounds, and inspires us in ways that cannot be fulfilled through other means. We know that to create a reality we desire for our children is to raise them in an environment where we live in that reality.
This I ask and set the intention for. I humbly, diligently move forward with love, faith and respect in my heart. In so doing, I confidently declare to myself and the universe the reality as I wish, as I dream. My soul has spoken, my head has calculated, and my time has allowed me to come to this declaration. I drop my past and hold onto nothing but operate in the present. I know the power within me, I have seen it expressed. I am the most advanced form of technology, the most powerful thing there is. The power of which at times is what scared me, created situations and scenarios that derailed my power intentionally. I have gone through penance. I have journeyed inwards, I have forgiven and released all so that I can be your guiding light to bring about what I am here to do.
Lord, grant me forgiveness for the sins of myself, my forefathers and my people. Allow me to do your Will here on earth. I have returned, I have paid my dues, and I am ready to deliver us from evil.
Lord, hear my prayer. My reality is to bring peace on earth, good wills to men, women and child. I cognize my power and ability, much like I cognize the mission and power of those whom I’ve met. I pray for their forgiveness and for their enlightenment so that we make walk this earth in divine communion with You rising above the sins of this world.
I pray Lord that you release the wickedness from within me and fill me only with love so that I may go about with bliss. I have much to say and it’s been lifetimes of bottling it up. Guide me in my moments of weakness and in strength for I know you are always with me.
This I ask in Jesus name, Amen.
-CS3
So what led me to this?
This first crack of awakening gifts happened when I was a child. Less than three years old, I’d shuffle all the puzzles and put them together instantly – something the teacher wouldn’t let me leave because it’d taker her 20+ minutes to do. I put together a 5000+ K’nex contraption in a matter of a few days. I was taught by my father how to effectively doing a project management and Pomodoro method studying for finals…in 7th and 8th grade, mapping out how many hours of studying I had total from now until the finals, break out how many hours in each I’d need, put together my daily schedule and meal times, and then give myself 50 minutes on, 10 minutes off and then rest for meals and every 3 hours take extra time to recover. This discipline is something I teach (to a less intense degree) to my high achieving clients in their 30s. I scored top 0.5% in the nation my junior year in high school in a standardized test. I found fraud in a company my first weeks in my first intern in college barely understanding accounting, and was advising international company board member how to read financial statements and identify what’s happening and questions to ask the president and CFO. I put together an international publication within a week’s time and a $1k budget, printed them and had them in the hands of American and African presidents and delegates. And I scaled a company from 2 people to 49 in a matter of months, from 10k to 200k months in a heavily regulated industry bootstrapped after sitting with my co-founder for about a week and a half just downloading from him his vision that spanned almost every industry and was a case study in how to build an empire, legacy and movement through healing.
Just some of the achievements in the worldly plane.
But I also had a unique connection to God and Jesus. I skipped Sunday School as a child in favor of being in the pews where the sermon was (f memorizing lines and coloring books). When the sermon was boring or disconnected, I’d read the Bible myself and fill myself with inspiration directly that way. In college, amongst the drunken revelry and hook-ups, I’d take my Bible to a quiet part of USC’s campus tucked away next to the old main library, read Psalms and journal. My writing was inspired, poetry came out like an In-n-out drivethrough…on demand, and always satisfying with just an extra bit of je ne sais quoi magic (which now I know).
There were three prime experiences that happened before studying with the guru and sangha that cracked open the craving for them.
The first was working late with my co-founders of Human Garage at their apartment. Both very skilled in Kabbalah, Yoga Lineages, and more, they were teaching me about Edgar Cayce, introducing me to Gaia, and helping me understand how some of the modalities at Human Garage work (including giving this CPA/MBA an education on anatomy and fascia unwinding). As a good trained high achiever and learner, I had my notebooks there, taking notes, soaking it all in. And all of a sudden, as I started to write, my mind started racing faster than I could write. I tried to keep up, but then the thoughts accelerated, and my writing turned into incomprehensible scribbles. And then from scribbles, it turned into the most choatic movement on the paper, but culminated into an image, that then I rotated the paper and a new image appeared. And soon this channeled art became a living movie, syncing up with my thoughts. My heart raced, and I would be lying if I weren’t freaked out, but there was a feeling of safety and protection as it was happening…much different than the feeling of having too many shots of tequila or beers in college.
Clearly needing some fresh air, they took me outside and were in their own worlds, leaving me to be in whatever I was going through, but having a watchful eye. From today’s perspective, I might call them facilitators or stewards of the space. They did a little move here and there, and made sure I wouldn’t hit my head or run off…unlikely as all I wanted was both for this to stop and for me to understand what was happening. My mind was racing with all new kinds of thoughts, processing so much. And out bursts a statement uncontrolled by me that scared me to say because of its bluntness and truth. I even remember trying to apologize for it, but that only brought more truth to come out of bluntness, so I covered my mouth and sat down.
After a few minutes outside, we went back in, and that’s when things picked up steam. With Gaia still playing on the TV, they told me I’m free to stay on the couch (as I was in no nervous system condition to drive home) and they went to bed. But I couldn’t sleep. I went into the middle of their apartment in the kitchen and started thinking more and more. I just blankly stared as my consciousness calculated probabilities and timelines, until it was just an infinite recursion of infinity, and I could adjust where I was going through these timelines like a person on a Segway leaning back and forward, except it was just my consciousness “leaning” or scanning. I started getting information more and more and was writing it down. Much of it incomprehensible, and so I was working on slowing it down so I could write. But the information was just so incredible that what ended up on the paper seemed so bland. I’d like to say that there was this cathartic “aha” moment, but I’m not clear on that. I looked up and all the clocks in the house (wall clock and stove) were reset to midnight with the stove having blinking lights like when a power reset happens.
I went to sleep, woke up the next day and held an all-hands meeting and status report with the team on zoom as though nothing had happened except for clearly being exhausted. I looked back at the paper and as I looked at it, I just felt different, like looking at stereogram (the thing you need to be cross-eyed to see otherwise it’s all blurry nonsense). I had no time to waste and got right back into growing and scaling the business, and just sort of put that experience to bed. This happened about 3 more times, all with similar channeled drawings, unique insights, and being more like an observer than myself. It was cool, I had no real idea or notion of channeling at that time or examples of it, so I stored it into my mind as another example of my exceptionalism but thought little of it as my focus was fully fixated on the business and handling the endless challenges and demands as co-founder and COO.
The next experience happened a few months later. Exhausted from the demands (don’t forget that growing a business at that pace is super challenging), I was invited by a business school friend to go on a weekend retreat to Joshua Tree with her and several of her friends. For a single guy now for many months…who was having zero luck at online dating… if your cute girl friend invites you and there’s going to be cute, intelligent girls there… what more could you ask for! Oh, and one of her friends would pick me up and drive us out there… I mean, so perfect.
We get there and I realize a lot of them know each other, and outside the context of my constant eat, live, sleep, breathe Human Garage non-stop, it wasn’t just a dry spell in dating, it was an atrophy in relating with others outside of a work context. I felt awkward, exhausted and probably super butt hurt that they all weren’t super impressed with my title and work at Human Garage, as they all had equally impressive things going on. But most validly, I was truly exhausted and the stress had caught up to me, and although I was COO of a wellness company, I had pushed myself beyond what would be considered healthy…chronic things add up, and this trip was the first time I could see it. Exhausted, somewhat socially isolated (not because of them but because of me), we all went to see the sunset in this beautiful overlook, and on the way back my mind (already the panacea to my social awkwardness) started to go on overdrive again.
In the car, I was quietly listening to some conversation, trying to build some sort of social connection and an opportunity to chime in. Two of them had some intellectual argument over something (ya a lot of them were hyper intellectual like myself) and this time instead of trying to pick a side or argue something as a way of social inclusion, it was as though there was an AR (augmented reality) layer of information that came into my vision, and this layer created a three dimensional timeline that brought forth the originating moment of the core reason for the disagreement and argument from centuries ago. I say it and said it like I was reading a headline from a phone…not at all what they were looking for and another reason to tighten the circle without me.
And I wouldn’t blame them. Some guy mentioning that the originating conflict between some modern pseudo-scientific and political debate stemmed from an interaction in the 1600’s that then reconnected during XYZ time period and just got rehashed and rebranded as the issue they’re debating…not exactly relaxed car talk.
But it was fine, because without needing to talk or pretend to try and belong with the social circle, I could explore this AR like experience, and so just tracked what they were saying to the historical origins. I’d google certain things to check if I was right (but in the desert the signal was pretty weak), so then I’d go back and check another thing. Somehow we arrived back at the house, and people were socializing. I was good. I sat outside back against a wall, there was a hot tub next to me, and a few people were playing some instruments. I finally worked the courage up to ask to play some hand pan drum, something that I’ve always wanted to try to play but clearly didn’t know how…luckily it’s one of those things where it’s pretty hard to mess up too badly (unlike piano like I grew up with). I ended up just playing it, learning it, zoning out, and just enjoying the sound. For a few hours, just playing it, exploring it, and letting my mind explore and process.
Afterwards there was dinner, obviously hungry I went back in and re-entered awkward socializing and my mind went to that and how I really didn’t know these people, and at this point is was clear that there was going to be no clear dating potential here, so I just stuck to myself except for a few meager attempts at trying to kindle chemistry here and there, but nothing really stuck, it was more the sisterly and friend vibe than anything – and it was pretty clear.
Yep, I just cracked open the ability to access the Akashic Record, but my ego was more focused on getting some than what had just happened.
“Do not give what is holy to dogs, and do not throw your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet…”
Ya, I was the dog and swine here.
The third time something unusual happened was after I resigned from Human Garage and was in the full mess of my emotions and learning new ways of living with yoga and chakras and such. I was done with the series Chuck and was trying to get my next job or at least a consulting contract, which led me to a potential water franchise contract in Utah through a contact from Human Garage. I take the financial leap to try and win the client contract…I fly out, rent a car, and get a quick one night AirBnb stay.
Had I known how to actually do vetting, pre-sales, sales and such, things may have been better, but the opportunity came from a guy who was so distracted, flakey and focused on just managing what he has versus expansion, that financially it was a real let-down…but it was always cool to learn new things about water, metaphysical concepts, and it was through water that I opened up to the modalities of healing of the unseen world. So no financial ROI, but definitely some more direct experience wisdom on my journey from a true “water keeper.” Can’t pay for my flight or credit card bills with that unfortunately…
So back at my friend’s place before going back to my AirBnb, he starts opening up about his unique modality of healing that he discovered. The room gets more exciting and intense, a common occurrence called Resonance: A phenomenon where an external sound wave matches an object’s natural frequency, resulting in maximum vibration amplitude.
This is exciting stuff he shares, I start getting excited about it, I make additional insights, the dopamine is flying, things are cooking…gamma brain wave states of euphoric “a-ha” for sure. These moments are the kind that kept me going and integrating all the modalities and vision at Human Garage. Maybe I’m here to help him birth and grow this modality…I mean, out of work ex-COO, always open to wherever the next job comes.
His roommate comes home now with his girlfriend and joins the conversation. This guy is so full of himself (vibrational match to me? hah), but we get going. He’s so confident he’s going to be the next Steve Jobs or whatever, “brilliant visionary”, super smart and he’s got his girlfriend cheering him on and drinking more of the Kool Aid than he is. I concede, knowing it’s his house and not needing to prove anything, and try to let the conversation die down so I could get back to all these other realizations I’m having. So I try to end the conversation and ask how’s his progress on this great idea.
He nonchalantly says that he needs someone else to build his idea because he has ADHD.
My mind goes into coaching mode to try and help him. But really, I couldn’t help myself. I was challenging him to overcome his own BS without being invited to. And then my mind and vision went back to that AR timeline mode where I’m getting into the history of pathology and ADHD and I’m talking a mile a minute, it’s just all coming out and with such matter of factness and intensity. I don’t stop there, I go even further and just completely break his ego down for using it as an excuse and having such a heightened view of himself who was no better than a fantasy book writer wannabe Hollywood barista who didn’t have the discipline or guts to actual do anything with his life and gifts…ya I definitely started tapping into my own wounds, trauma, unprocessed emotions and shame. But it all actually applied to him too, funny how life works like that sometimes.
But not funny how I was going to crash on my friend’s couch but his roommate’s girlfriend got so offended that I broke down her boyfriend genius on a pedestal that she insisted I be kicked out. And so at 2 am just as I was slipping into a nice sleep, he said I had to leave. Ya…I probably deserved it. But I was so tired the next day, I had a 6 am flight and went straight to a family event with some friends and kinda forgot about it, other than focusing on the being kicked out part.
So that brings me now to the experiences with the sangha and guru. And to be clear, all of this happened without any personal interaction with the guru. Even when I went to visit him the first time, I caught a glimpse of him as he was exiting the stage, through all the hours and months of dedication, I was on a zoom screen he could see as he was giving Satsang (the lesson) – kinda like a screen room of a Tony Robbins event with just people everywhere – and the most direct was a 5 minute dial an avatar moment where I could ask him anything – which usually was responded to with: tatastu, you have my blessing. (but to be honest the energy was so intense that 5 minutes was all that I could probably have handled).
So the first thing was receiving Darshan or blessings aka direct energy transmissions from him that activate things like the Kundalini in me. Often felt like a really cool head massage, there were times where I’d get a jump or two in my body. But everyone seemed to have some kind of effect like that.
The next thing was the early initiations of things like rolling coconuts and body scanning. I couldn’t roll a coconut off someone’s hand for the life of me, so I leaned more into body scanning. I could read someone’s body and revealed to my third eye would be an image, a video, a body part or sensation that led to an experience or blockage in a person’s body. We’re all pretty influenceable beings, and we could recollect “memories” that didn’t actually exist. But there were so many reps at this, and they all hit. Not with some vague ambiguous words, but clear stories and images. Great I could do that.
Back to rolling coconuts…nope. I dunno, if things don’t happen in the physical then it could all be mind games.
Next I joined that study group that each time read a different sloka and practiced it. They worked, about 90% of the time with me easefully. But it wasn’t until reading the Akashic Records – the recording of all things, places, people, time that I felt it.
We went into a meditation after reading the sanksrit (or in my case just looking at it and trying to read the phonetic spelling) with a specific question to be answered. My question was: “what happened in life that led me here?”
I was going for maybe a reconciliation with my perceived failure at Human Garage, or some savior-like answer that it was all a prank and life would go back to normal, or something like that (you know generated most likely from my psyche and ego).
Instead, I heard a voice say, “Are you sure you want to know? Are you sure you’re ready?”
Who was I to say no..I was going all in. Plus, what? I thought I was supposed to get an answer, not a question. And…who is that voice talking to me?
No time for those questions, I want the answer…”yes”
And in a split second, it felt like a received a massive packet of information with many files, like a zip file. And it started to play in my head and be felt in my body, snippets of life from the past rushing across my awareness, seen from first person perspective:
- Feeling my back on a stone, sun mid-day, and my still beating heart raised up by what looked like an Aztec or Mayan shaman
- Then flash to me in a grungy prison in what looked like medieval Europe with a clear sense that I was separated from my wife or someone I loved
- Then in a pillory (I had to google it based on describing it), with a clear sense that that was just the beginning
- Then guillotine
- Then being pulled down in the water with rocks tied to my feet
- Then the scenes sped up and just flashed across quickly and the voice narrated: “these are your past lives where you attempted to be honorable, sacrificing yourself for God, speaking up for what you believe and experienced to be true. And then it stopped.
My eyes filled with tears, it was unlike anything I’d experience, like I was taken back to those times, relived them, like in the video game and movie Assassin’s Creed. And no, nothing that I had read up to this point told me about “past lives.” I wasn’t seeking “past lives” or what a lot of new age fanatics seek for justification of their reality and situation (but actually I kinda was).
Yes, I asked but I was hoping for answers that would appease my ego, not another rabbit hole to keep plunging down.
I shared my experience with the group like I always did, factual, like a reporter or consciousness researcher. But the visceral feeling and experience was unlike anything, it was more a remembering than a visualizing or receiving a visual of.
Then came the massive “completion” kundalini process. There was a woman named Neeharika who emailed the Sangha, I wasn’t on that mailing list though. My friend, the one who introduced me to the who thing, was the one who forwarded it to me: 21-day completion process. This woman would have a zoom session where you go and work on “completion”…healing unresolved emotions, stories, etc. Except she had an expressed Shakti where she could push through the healing and activate your Kundalini to rise through your body and help accelerate the process of completion. My friend and I signed up, he ended up having to back out because of family and other duties…but I was there.
I joined and it felt as though inside me were magnetic dust and she was holding a high powered magnet and moving it through my body, clearing things out. Except, she was doing that for everyone. It first started with one thing to complete on and then heal and clear, then it was like she just turned up the intensity…entire themes of my life were being processed…and then it seemed to bypass my entire mind and just became an activation within me. Seems pretty cool, right?
Except all this healing, clearing, activation was adding additional load on my nervous system to handle and the cumulative effect of releasing things in your past is that you actually loose weight – crazy I know, but emotional baggage compounds into extra weight. So I was not doing a good job keeping weight, in fact I was losing it. My nervous system was getting further taxed. And on top of that my emotional baggage (and weight) was being removed.
It was about this time that outside of all the sangha, completion and basically pre-monk path I was on, I grew more and more enthralled with water. Charging it. Activating it. Structuring it. The experience in Utah just added fuel to the fire of my passion with water. This, plus, Neeharika’s Shakti, my awakening and Akashic Records experience, and I’m wondering what else is really possible in reality.
So I start obsessing about water. Rabbit hole after rabbit hole. I learn about distilled water, and start making my own. Then about the importance of re-mineralizing distilled water with high quality salt and minerals. So I get into salt, and learn about the average chemical breakdown of what’s needed and get individual liquid minerals to add. I learn that cows have salt blocks with certain minerals and can taste the difference and lick the ones they are deficient/in need of. So I train myself to taste each mineral. What does magnesium taste like? Sodium? Fulvic Acid (that’s easy)? Each and every main mineral, plus high quality salt from Lourdes, France.
I get so into it that I just start drinking water and forget to eat. Yoga, meditation, cleansing myself doing kriyas, haritaki and turmeric scrubs, cleansing the eyes and nose, satsang, watching past satsang, reading his book Living Enlightenment, connecting with the study group, and now adding on completion work…I was so in the spirit that I stopped eating completely. I was just drinking water. Structured water, distilled water, remineralized water, energized water, try it with this crystal, that crystal, that mineral, this combination of minerals.
It wasn’t until I put on a jacket and shorts on one day and noticed how scrawny my legs and shoulder had become. My boney hips. That I thought I needed to start eating again….stat. I got used to the feeling of hunger to the point that it felt comforting. All-in-all it was about a 21-day water fast.
But not consciously done, just excited in other areas…but doing all the things recommended during water fasts spiritually.
It was around this time that I started to get lonely, and wrote that letter asking for a partner and sharing my dream. I also wrote this:
10/10/18
The Soul’s Journey:
How I Became a Superhero
What comes next is not something that is of me but of through me. Like John of Patmos in the Book of Revelations one could call it a dream. In modern times, download is often used, it is different than that, it is most synonymous with live streaming as I neither control it, process it nor take time to render it, it comes authentically as it is accessed. I have tapped my entire motor skills to the universal consciousness and given it over to God.
This is the story of how I became a superhero and how you can too. For too long we have widdled down the ultimate truths to make it meaningful and digestible for humans to understand. You see before we kept chasing their minds, their interests and finding ways to appeal to them so that they would listen. We did this through stories that appealed to their times, to their lives, we utilized metaphors to get the message across and for many centuries this worked. You see metaphors allow there to be story, imagination and the recognition that it is a story and thereby imperfect by nature. As man in its current state (and I mean man in a gender neutral state, and by the way there are 11 gender types not just 2), is imperfect, not without sin. Sin meaning to miss the mark, to have certain world views of reality that are distorted from the optimal solution, from creating Heaven on earth, from returning to the Garden of Eden.
If you feel you have already achieved that state, then I encourage you to reach out to others, the challenge of course is if you yourself are actually deluding yourself, you are deluding your listeners too. This is where having a tribe of elders or advisors is so critical for they can point out the errors of your way. While Jesus had the 12 apostles with whom He was teaching, if it weren’t for them there would be no Jesus in the sense that there would be no others to carry on his message, to ask the questions, to sin in the ways for Jesus to show the correct way.
We are all seeking our apostles as much as we are seeking our own relationship to God, to become versions of Jesus in our own rights. That is the awakening, the recognition that we are made in God’s image, that we have God in us, that we are God. Sat Chit Ananda is the Vedic text that references this realization. The obstacle of course is to cognize this meaning beyond the base level of rational thought, to truly embody it. And the challenge is, much like maxims that exist, their truth is both so simple and infinitely complex and meaningful. Only when we have gone through life can the richness and embodiment of those sayings become cognized. There is another way in which these sayings can be cognized and that is through elevating yourself to the level that the message is delivered. For some this may seem to be an obvious thing, for others it might sound strange. Regardless, it is esoteric and metaphysical in nature and thereby requires a metaphor to explain to make sure there is proper understanding, proper cognizing. One of the most damaging things about spiritual awakening and enlightenment is the illusion of understanding without truly cognizing. We can all say we are enlightened beings but then go out and cause harm to another or eat meat from an animal that has been brutally tortured on its way to your plate.
The challenge as I mentioned with metaphors is also their power, their imperfection by nature allows there to be a grasping of it in whatever level of understanding you are coming from. Disney movies provide a perfect example of this. For you see during the same scene a child laughs the same time a teenager the same time a parent the same time an anthropologist does all for different reasons, increased layering of messaging that has the same outward reaction but far different inward reasons for the expression. That is pure art and genius. Comedians know this to be true which is why they often lead the societal progression for it’s hard to both laugh at a joke and reject what is being said regardless of its edginess for laughter creates the inward reaction towards acceptance and processing.
The challenge is that the references to metaphors and parables can become outdated due to societal evolution. Some enlightened masters talk that the answer given to a question goes even further to this specific time-period and say that it is only an answer for the seeker and the seeker’s own reality. All other bystanders may glean some wisdom from it, but because their realities are different it wouldn’t necessarily be the exact answer given by the Enlightened person if the other person had asked it.
That is why what is taught is to revert back to the original scripture, to have the teacher guide the interface and for the person to have a direct, visceral experience by using both the guidance of the teacher and the original scripture. This is why we have preachers, gurus, enlightened masters, etc. and why they—if truly enlightened refer back to the original texts.
A challenge arises when society has changed so drastically that the wisdom of the original texts have been diluted by its translators. There is only so much that a translator can do and it is in the entirety of the translator’s control to direct the text into whatever his/her beliefs are. Why pick one word or another? Biases, interpretation, even subverted manipulation. Couple that with the further dilution into one language, call it translating into language A and then from language A to language B. For anyone doing predictive modeling such as financial modeling, when you have 2 or more variables dependent on the outcome, there is an exponential decrease in the validity of that model. Translation from Hebrew to Greek to Latin to old English to English to modern English poses so many transmutations of the original context that any reading much be coupled with immense skepticism and persistent resolve to identify passages that don’t resonate and search for their original meanings. When this is done, many modern interpretations that have become cornerstones of massive movements and sects are shown to be built off of false foundations.
Contextual as well and translational issues much be considered when referencing the scriptures. Further, as most of the scriptures are presented in sermons, now it is up to the pastor or religious leader to accurately interpret and relay this information to a crowd that he or she is trying to keep engaged, further remediating the essence of the word, further allowing it to be misinterpreted.
The optimal solution therefore is to have the original texts in their original form and force the convergence of the people seeking spiritual enlightenment to understand the language, culture, context through full immersion. Transporting ourselves back to Biblical times, talking, thinking, acting as if we were in those environments is the only way to fully grasped the richness and nuances of meaning. This involves a separation from modern technology, going back to farming, shepherding, living in what we’d deem sparse living conditions and learning the languages of that time. It seems a silly proposition and far too much effort.
However, that is exactly what is being done in the Santana Hindu Dharma teachings of Paramahansa Nithyananda. The culture, language, practices, and spiritual rituals are all being revived so that it points to the absolute truth of the matter. This is why there are programs that fully immerse people into the life of the way it is written in the Vedic Scriptures. It is full immersion. This is what I have been doing progressively more and more ever since visiting his place in March. For all of my upbringing in a Christian environment, the pursuit was both an exciting adventure and a challenge to reconcile my upbringing and continued faith in Jesus and God.
I still have that faith and in fact it has only strengthened as has my relationship to my spirituality. The reason being is that never having been outside of the system of the Judeo-Christian reality, I could not accurately assess fully the impact of the reality it causes. In any systems thinking and modeling, you cannot truly assess it objectively if you are still a part of it no matter how much you try. This is the backbone of a lot of the issues underlying equal participation in the #metoo and Black Lives Matter movement for myself, a straight, white male who has been raised to thoroughly love respect all people and raised in such a heterogenous life filled with reverence that it baffles me people have been treated this way and stifles my ability to contribute to their aid as it directly pins what they are attributing as my identity’s actions with my own reality. I objectively see their point; however, being still a part of the system that in this case is linked to the transgressors I am paralyzed with responding in anything but a submissive manner that degrades my identity.
And so by removing myself from the Christian religion with the guidance of God, I went knowing that Truth shall prevail and there is some reason for my continued exploration. And that reason is revealed to me in knowing that my faith in Him is so strong that I can wander into the shadows outside the protective comforts of my own religion’s realities and explore the dimensions of what is perceived as different, what is perceived as Hinduism. And in so doing, what ended up happening was a fortifying of my faith and a recognition of the deeper meanings of Christ’s teachings.
Up until my journey to the site in India, my understanding and knowledge of Hinduism was about as sparse as could be. The only reference to some of their customs was through Facebook photos of my friend’s being covered in a bunch of random colors for something called Diwali. My roommate for graduate school was from Kerala and through him I discovered amazing cuisine that goes beyond Chicken Tikki Masala and Na’an bread.
All other things were either derogatory jokes or equally as superficial like the groom rides an elephant, their weddings are many days, and the Taj Mahal is a cool place to go visit. While Slumdog Millionaire may have been a huge moment in Indian films, it served the similar impression as watching Crocodile Dundee had on my view of what Australia was like. It may have touched on a major aspect of life there, but it in no way encapsulates the totality of their country, culture, religion. It is as if someone’s only exposure to America was an episode of Flint or Law and Order SVU.
What I found was a strange culture with strange practices, smells, and religious views. Strange in the most respectful form of the word meaning different and unfamiliar and thereby odd. What I experienced was a taste of complete bliss in how a group of people can live together in an enlightened state and space, an enlightening community. For as I immersed myself into a complete unknown, what that enabled me to do was explore unabashedly and ask questions. It was as if I were a child and for the first time finding myself in Disneyland or that character in The Lego Movie, everything was new and everything was awesome!
I mean this from all angles, the feeling of being there, the types of food, the way food was eaten, the things talked about, the organization of the community, the way it interacts with the outside world, their rituals and beliefs.
For example, I had to take my shoes off to walk through a construction in progress temple that was still dirt and rocks and when I returned, I found my shoe laces being eaten by what would be considered by Americans as a stray dog. Upon retrieving them, one of the members there remarked in excitement that the dog had eaten my karma and I should be thankful for the auspiciousness. Not quite the reaction that I had in mind. And in fact, the mind is the most discounted aspect of the human body there and the operating protocol is performed through a different state, a state of the third eye, the pineal gland region of the brain that can be opened and awakened.
Their constant reference to the third eye was such that I had to just go with it and be like “oh ya of course the third eye” and pretend that I knew all about it. I mean at least in that state I felt I had to pretend, they knew I was fairly clueless but equally as mesmerized as to why I had suddenly appeared from the outside world without any prearranged plans. In fact, my notion of where the third eye was a little too high on my forehead I was soon to discover…I guess that’s what happens when you grow up playing soccer and create minor divots in the skull from all the headers…naturally that area should be it…it’s a little lower down.
While a lot of this is foreign to the western society, at least the Christian reality I grew up in, what kept me going was that everything they implemented in practice was based (at least in my perspective) on recent articles and discoveries of optimizing your health from an integrative perspective. Walking around on dirt barefoot, eating with your hands, practicing yoga and meditation. The real irony is that it’s all a matter of perspective. For me, it was them implementing these cutting edge discoveries. For them, it was part of ancient scriptures directing them and it just so happened that science was able to now explain why it is beneficial.
This type of discovery continued on and on. And soon, everything they did, ate, said I have found western science to help explain why it’s beneficial. They profess that Hinduism isn’t a religion it’s a science and that over the centuries and millennia it’s been interpreted as a religion despite it’s origins being scientifically based. I have yet to find something that they have been performing for thousands of years that isn’t being discovered and explained by modern science. Regardless of the field that you go down, when you keep pursuing answers, all roads lead back to Hinduism. From health to astrophysics to engineering and electricity, it’s all in there and more.
The “and more” is the real exciting thing, for they discuss and explain the science of expressing higher consciousness practices that the Russian, US and I’m sure many other militaries have spent billions trying to crack and in some instances have. I am talking about telekinesis, astral travel, remote viewing, seeing while blindfolded, downloading information from the sky and more. This area of paranormal skills and abilities are what militaries and cutting edge science is just now approaching. The irony is that it’s been there in plain site since the very beginning in vedic texts and children are able to do it.
I wouldn’t say with such conviction unless I experienced it and have begun studying and applying it. One of the amazing things that was done was what they call “body scan.” In which they scan your body with their third eye and identify what’s wrong with you and tell you, physically, biochemically and psychologically. I had just taken a 13 biomarker diagnostic test before my trip to India because of my work in integrative medicine and these children broke it down to me like the biomarkers said it. They didn’t say, oh your adrenals are fatigued and your pH is alkaline…as that’s our language. What they said was even more pertinent because it addressed the root causes for why it was like that. They said that I am too stressed and as a result have poor digestion and I don’t eat regularly enough and so my stomach doesn’t release stomach acid like it wants to and thereby I am not creating as much acid as I should in my system. This isn’t just a one-time thing, this is something that is repeated every day and learned by people in their school (Gurukul) and evenly remotely to people via videoconferencing.
Because what I perceived as foreign from a perspective of not knowing and interpreted as weird religious practices were in fact rooted in scientific knowledge that is far more advanced than where western society is. While we may have our ability to build massive buildings, organize impressive cloud-based artificial intelligence, they are able to build humans that self organize into the most elevated level of consciousness. It is done in a way that requires the purification of the mind and body. Each practice, ritual, mantra is done with such specificity and intention that the only true way to grasp it is to experience it in action for yourself. The beauty is that you can also experience it remotely. And by experience it, I mean viscerally, elevated blood flow to the brain, awakened third eye, sizable changes to your reality, resolving past issues, releasing tears, etc.
What is happening globally is a massive awakening of people, those who realize there’s something off to our current trajectory in life and moving beyond mere talk, take concerted efforts to change their reality. The prevalence of yoga, spiritual retreats, psychedelic use and wellness products are macro indicators of this revival in the desire for higher consciousness…not to mention all the discourse around love, freedom of expression and Burning Man-esque events.
The challenge with this course of action is that the awakening bestows upon it certain realizations and powers inherent to the human that create a resounding effect onto society. It is as though a great power is obtained, as though one had just caught a level 99 Charizard. This reference symbolizing a great ability, perhaps a less childish one (albeit not as fun) is the power of artificial intelligence. It can be utilized to save countless lives, it can also be used to oppress peoples and nations. It is not the technology that matters in this equation, it is the dominant energy that the wielder of this power possess. Be it a positive dominant energy or negative. This concept is one I recently learned from Timothy an amazing surfer who learned a lot from studying with the Australian Aborigines. The power thereby amplifies our reality to the positive or negative. Do not blame the technology nor the Pokemon, blame the master. You see we are all masters of our own fate, we create our destinies through our nature and nurture. Those who oppose this, I understand the argument and will get to it later, it delves into how there is proof of Karma and past lives in our DNA. These terms just need to be integrated and translated.
You see while psychedelic use can be utilized to unlock these amazing powers, it is often done through a process of purification and spiritual cleansing. My childish understanding through anecdotes is that many are utilized to do such a thing. The point however is that with the advancement of an individual’s power and abilities should be an equal coupling of that person’s sense of responsibility and purity. For whom much is given, much is asked in return. The modern proliferation of the awakening of individuals is done without the ideal prerequisite of purification of the spirit, the cleansing of the karma, the cleaning up of the DNA, the resolving the incompletions. And in so doing, the realities that become constructed by these awakened individuals without the proper spiritual enlightening amplifies their incompletions, those based on the 7 deadly sins. Look at the “awakened communities” and you see among them rampant signs of excess in the areas of lust, greed, sloth, gluttony, wrath, envy, and pride. Further, these communities contain among them certain hypocrisies within them that contradict their “enlightenment” status. First, their outcry of western medicine having a “pill” for diseases, yet they themselves take a pill or a puff to gain the high to achieve what it is they are looking for rather than addressing the root cause. An overwhelming focus on eating healthy yet not being able to decide what that actually is be it paleo, vegetarian, vegan, caveman, ketogenic, etc. A desire to help humanity yet not treat animals with respect. A knee-jerk reaction to point out the flaws in others instead of with in. Showcasing with pride the products and consumerism meant to demonstrate their anti-consumer status. The list goes on.
If you’ve been awakened without the requisite internal work done here are some of the categories you may fall into that demonstrate you’re amplifying an incompletion within you.
- Lust – you desire to go to sexual liberation demonstrations and engage in copious amounts of sex with multiple people constantly desiring more and new encounters, you compare your body to others, you follow others on social media just because of their looks
- Gluttony – you seek shortcuts in life to make the quick buck fast, you eat massive meals to build up huge muscular bodies, you find ways to dominate people with leverage, you have a compulsive habit to buy the next new “awakened” product
- Sloth — you focus on meditation and order Seamless, you put your hands up in the air saying we are all doomed what’s the use, you enjoy deep conversations but do nothing with it, you don’t treat your body like a temple, your house isn’t in order
- Wrath – you obsess about the “Illuminati” and all those out there to get you and who has kept you oppressed, the dark evil forces that you will crush and fight against to once again champion goodness, you will use their power against them
- Envy – you have an itching sense of FOMO at the next spiritual retreat your friend is going on, you constantly compare and judge your spiritual journey with another’s,
- Pride – you walk around with an air of superiority for all the spiritual work you’ve done, you talk about the retreats you’ve been on as though they are the measure of success, you dominate conversations of enlightenment and talk about as though you, Jesus, Buddha, etc. are similar in so many ways, you feel that your astral projection is so cool and its so rare to find someone who can relate
Once you’ve experienced what thousands are experiencing in India and across the world in the presence of an Enlightened Master, things will change. When you’ve gone through the inner work of clearing incompletions, when you’ve cognized what is truly possible and that it has been recorded for thousands of years with a proven method of getting there, that’s when the journey really begins to unfold. The unknown unknown is no fault to our own realities, but now there is no excuse as there is proven science in how to get there. It is called the Akashic Record where you can download anything and everything that ever was, is and will be. And even more incredible, there’s a place beyond that, the unmanifested.
These incredible powers are available. They’re available through taking a pill just like you can take your Xanax or Viagra, or you can attain it naturally through hard work, will persistence, and the grace of a teacher who has been scientifically proving how to get there with thousands of people as his case studies.
One aspect will build up tolerance and resistance in your psychic abilities while the other will only improve the powers over time. One amplifies your current negative views in life while the other ensures that you make the appropriate changes in order to utilize the skills the manifest a world of true abundance without the hidden plights of subconscious sins. Do you want to take the pill or do you want to change your life forever? Enlightenment is a constant state, a trip only lasts as long as the effects.
Do you want to change your life and reach enlightenment or do you want to just experience moments of it? It’s up to you. Just know that those who are enlightened will be able to spot those who aren’t. It won’t be pointed out of course, unless you want to. But at a certain point, there will be a large number of people who are enlightened, would you want to? Or would you want to live a reality that has amplified your own incompletions?
The Matrix was partially right. It’s no longer do you want the Red Pill or the Blue Pill, there’s a third psychedelic option, the Mr. Smith option. Knowing that you are in a Matrix, that there are hacks to it, yet you can’t escape it. I seek a fourth option, the supplement. That is, attaining Enlightenment through intense inner work and consuming something that enhances the work not to its long term detriment. I seek not the steroid, but the pre-workout that helps me amplify my ability to do the work.
Further, with so many courses and options out there that offer some type of promise of spiritual awakening it is like the wellness industry offering some program to give you what you want. Ultimately most of them are copy-cats and based off of wrong foundations of understanding. When you find those that find the truth, they all say the same thing in different ways. Same thing with spiritual awakening. It’s all the same just disguised differently. Tony Robbins, Napoleon Hill, etc. all are saying the same thing. The funny part is, the Vedic Scriptures have been saying the same thing since the beginning. Except in this case, it’s the core truths undistilled by modern interpretation. Think about it, major players in our society who has created something has some tie to a mystical/spiritual journey to the point where startup founders have found it to be an almost trite thing. The commercialization of these awakening trips renders the inevitable decline in its authenticity. From people I’ve heard, the Shamans of Ayahuasca no longer want to do ceremonies because they say we’ve abused the power of the plant. When you have people flying in off their NYC party-scene high wanting awakening, I can see why. The fact is that awakening does happen with these ceremonies, but it is being skewed by the person’s own incompletions and therefore they go back to their lives and create buisnesses/concepts/communities all around these incompletions, these impurities are mixed into the manifestation. The manifestations are beautiful because they have the power of the awakened mind, but they aren’t entirely pure. It is as though you were getting cocaine that was cut. I’ve never done that but feel it’s a pretty good reference here. Or another way of putting it that I’m far more comofratble in is it’s like the supply chain inefficiencies in which each layer of intermediaries take their cut from the process and therefore the price constantly increases and instead of paying the originator for the work a majority of it goes to the intermediaries. It’s time to get rid of the intermediaries. It’s time to get to the original source of truth, the ultimate coach. The challenge is that often the most intelligent, spiritual aware people are the worst teachers. Just like a great software engineer can actually make a horrible manager, it’s two different skillsets. The genius or in this case the enlightened master isn’t really the one who’s able to teach all he or she can do is live the life to serve the shining example. If he or she didn’t then that wouldn’t be a life of enlightenment. It’s up to the followers to identify the ways in which the person is enlightened and the ways in which people can get there, or at least to the point of where that person helping is. Paramahans Nithyanda is that source. The beautiful thing is that he has been surrounded by a lot of amazing followers who are helping cause the realities of others and in so doing creating a wealth of knowledge in order to understand how to get people to be able to explain and teach others. Sit with an enlightened master and you will be in a space that’s out of this world. To understand how to get there in a step-wise process is impossible for the teacher for you have such a different reality than the teacher. The teacher can if desired give instant enlightenment for that is all he knows. Do as I do and I will do my best to translate that state into words which in and of themselves are imperfect ways of expressing the situation, let alone help consolidate a multi-dimensional understanding of the world into a simple language. It is like explaining what a cube is to a person living in a 2D world or what swimming is like to someone who has never experienced it. The only way to get there is to experience it and so he gives moments so that you can understand what it feels like so you understand when you are there and also fortifies his or her credibility to you, for the rational logical mind craves that kind of satisfaction. So seek a spiritual coach, not just one who traveled as a Hippie through India or did a shotgun Ayahuasca trip, but one who can prove to you countless success stories and who lives the life you seek. If the incompletions of one of these people is what you seek and you are drawn to that, awesome. If you experience something infinitely more powerful and that appeals to you, go with that coach. Each person has their own coach, I’ve found mine through Paramahansa Nithyananda.
You amplify what you focus on, and I personally enjoy amplifying bliss, moving things with my mind, accessing the Akashic record and feeling such mental highs through merely being present and meditating, and the way in which I get there is to follow the guidance of my Christian upbringing, where along the journey I have resolved many incompletions, found life of peace, become a more gracious person and filled with love and compassion. I’ve used my intense studying of the Bible to cross-check what is being said. I’ve gone back to original texts and understood their context and meaning from that perspective. I see not opposition but alignment. By taking myself outside the system of Christianity, I have realized a deeper understanding of the teachings of Jesus. I have gained a greater sense of understanding for my spirituality.
Through all this, I have gained an immense sense of gratitude and appreciation for my life and understood so many aspects that were unclear or that I was unaware of.
I am an intensely devout Christian and I believe Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior. I also now have found what I was seeking too.
My pre-workout is Paramahansa Nithyananda. My coach is Paramahansa Nithyananda. My teacher is Paramahansa Nithyanda.
I do not find them to be in conflict at all. I find where conflict may arise is from the modern interpretation of the original texts. There are aspects of Hinduism that I have yet to fully understand and I will continue to explore open heartedly, and I know that in so doing it will only further amplify my Faith in God, in Jesus, in myself.
It may not make entire sense to you, and I respect that. If I hadn’t understood what it was like to go swimming, to access and experience the Akashic records, to move coconuts with my mind, to go through the inner processes I’ve been going through, it wouldn’t make much sense to me either. I honor you for whatever level you wish to embrace my story and I say it all unreservedly.
This is my reality.
At this time my faith in Jesus was really tested and strained. The guru placed himself between you and the divine, you and whatever power you wanted to express. It was all through him that things were supposedly possible. And ya, they happened in the precise way he trained you and said it would.
As my spiritual expressions kept happening, I started to develop a bit of a reputation and an invite into further initiations (everyone was who completed certain courses…it wasn’t just for me).
But those kept putting the guru higher and higher in your life and soon the space held in my mind and psyche for the hierarchy of Jesus and the guru got tighter and tighter. I remember calling a fraternity brother in training to be a Jesuit what I should do. I remember when being asked to do a puja to the guru, I slammed the floor stating I would rather die that worship someone other than Jesus.
So I did what any strategically greedy person would do…try to keep going to gain the wisdom, experiences and abilities without doing the things I didn’t want to do. I was balancing a fine line, and I just prayed (and rationalized) that I was on the right side of it. Tested to the max. And to this day, I believe I acted in integrity. Not through steadfast devotion, but in honest recognition in where I stood, wavering, doing the best I could…except for staying out of it completely…but that wasn’t my path, and I’m a firmer believer in what I believe now because of it – a transcendent 3rd way did reveal itself…but only after several more experiences of initiation.
The pinnacle of which was the 21-day experience called “Paramashivoham” and “the train” that arose after it…
This chapter marks the point where my spiritual awakening stopped being something that happened to me and became something I began actively chasing.
This part where you can see how the mystical became addictive, where every initiation felt like a step deeper into destiny.
On one side was the intoxicating acceleration of spiritual ability:
- channeling
- Akashic readings
- third-eye openings
- AR-like perception
- synchronicities
- psychic pattern recognition
- shaktipat, darshan, bliss states
- identity-affirming “proofs” of spiritual power
On the other side was the cost:
- bodily depletion
- ego inflation
- misplaced devotion
- spiritual hierarchy confusion
- reality distortion
- relational fallout
- inability to regulate my nervous system (even more)
- further loss of discernment
- and the eroding of my spiritual autonomy
This wasn’t grounded spirituality. The fantasy was doing far more shaping of me than I was of it.
And to be honest:
I wasn’t looking for coherence to unify my reality.
I was looking for power, purpose, and permission to finally feel like I mattered again without having to embrace the parts of me that were powerless, lost and unimportant.
My hunger was driving me more than my discernment. My longing was louder than my judgement.
And my exhaustion made everything more magical, exotic…and dangerous.
This chapter reveals a psyche caught between:
- the collapse of identity
- the seduction of mystical exceptionalism
- the confusion in devotion
- the hunger to be chosen
- the desperation to find meaning
- the intoxication of spiritual power
- the erosion of boundaries
- the amplification of unintegrated trauma
- the longing for destiny
- the fear of insignificance
This is the part of the story many people skip or sanitize when telling their “spiritual awakening” narrative. But leaving it intact matters, because it shows how real awakening and spiritual delusion often grow from the same soil. And how perilous a period in one’s life can be.
Here, the mystical experiences were real.
But so were the psychological consequences.
And so too were the unintended ones that rippled from it.
The gifts awakened. But so did the disconnection from caring about humanity.
Revelations happened. But so did my susceptibility to distortions.
Devotion expanded. But it also was threatened.
And this power wasn’t a freeing kind, it was one that amplified dependency.
This is not a period of wisdom, it’s a chapter of increased momentum without direction, a period of insight without grounding, experience without containment.
What this chapter really meant was that I was being stretched beyond my limits over and over again. It seemed as a way to awaken my highest self, but in actually revealed every structure inside me that could not withstand the pressure of truth.
This is the threshold of collapse, the ascent before the major reckoning, the preparation before the final breaking.
It is a necessary part of my journey because every unconscious motive, every unmet need, every unhealed wound was being activated and amplified through “spirituality” in a way that would eventually force a confrontation I could not escape.
I chose not to intellectualize or gloss over the details. It would be too easy to focus only on the glorious experience, pontificate on the meaning of the expansion of a world view that fused all of these experiences together. But it must be told with the details of the shadow as well.
This wasn’t the beginning of my masculine path. It wasn’t maturity. It was the entering into the storm, the pressure building, and the identity forming in such a way that it had no choice but to keep going down this chaotic, dichotomous path.
This chapter did not form my masculine ethos.
It did not anchor my Lionheart identity.
It did not resolve my longing for power, purpose, or belonging.
If anything, this was the chapter where my identity became most permeable, most impressionable, most enchanted…by choice.
This was the height of:
- spiritual intoxication
- mystical grandiosity
- hunger for specialness
- craving for spiritual authority
- the belief that power = destiny
- the psychological seduction of being “on the path”
And it was also the era where my discernment was weakest, pacified by the rationale of my exceptionalism.
This chapter forged a very different principle, one that only makes sense in hindsight:
Unintegrated power amplifies the unintegrated psyche.
Everything I touched spiritually at this time amplified:
- my wounds
- my longing
- my hunger for meaning
- my unprocessed shame
- my desire to be exceptional
- my terror of insignificance
- my avoidance of reality
- my spiritual romanticism
- my susceptibility to an external authority
- my wish for salvation through initiation
This was not the birth of the Lionheart.
This chapter forged:
- not strength, but the illusion of strength
- not devotion, but dependency
- not clarity, but conviction without grounding
- not sovereignty, but spiritual outsourcing
- not masculine power, but archetypal possession
And yet…
Within this fever dream of mystical striving, something important did form: the fault lines.
This was the chapter that built the internal tension that would eventually force me to confront:
- my ego
- my shadows
- my fantasies
- my susceptibility
- my inflation
- my avoidance of embodiment
- my misplaced devotion
- my hunger for specialness
This chapter did not give me coherence, it revealed how badly I needed it.
This chapter did not give me grounding, it exposed how ungrounded I truly was.
This chapter did not birth the Lionheart, it built the pressure that would eventually make his emergence possible.
It would take many more experiences, many more ruptures, many more initiations and collapses before I could even begin to integrate what this chapter was actually showing me.
But this chapter remains essential because:
It is the map of who I was before the reckoning, the shadow brought to the light, so that the eventual transformation that followed can be understood, not mythologized or glorified in a revisionist history.
And here’s the song: Lionheart – Chapter 5: Gamma Fire